What the HELL, insurance companies?

No, I’m not going to discuss health care legislation. No, it’s actually _not_ called “Obamacare.” wait, we’re not going to talk about that…

My family sees three doctors that have chosen to eliminate the headache of dealing with insurance companies from their lives. Their amazing doctors, and so we keep seeing them, despite them having rolled this “package” of pain downhill to us.

This means for the past few years, and past few providers, I’ve been submitting claims to insurance companies myself. Regularly.

All of them have labyrinthine web sites, filled with links that fail to keep the promise of what they say lay behind them, not to mention broken links, and pages an forms with names not even a librarian could love.

I can’t tell you how many forms I’ve filled out, only to find no instruction on where to send it, what to include, what response to expect, or, tragically, choosing the right form in the first place. Fine print that says “This form is for care administered outside the US only” or “this form cannot be used for mental health claims” really has no business being near the bottom of the page nor in FINE PRINT.

Banks took their time, but even my local credit union will now let me scan and deposit a check on my phone.

Insurance companies: it’s 2012. If I can’t submit a claim easily and quickly from a camera-equipped mobile device by the time I buy my first flying car, I’m moving to Canada. I hear the mounties actually fill those forms out _for_ you, in the odd case you actually have to fill out a claim form.

If you need UX design or developer help, Blue Shield of California, I know some people.

“System: Connected with Mariana
You: Hello, Mariana
Mariana: Thank you for contacting AT&T Internet Support, my name is Mariana ([REDACTED]). I see that I am chatting with Mr. Thomas Brady, am I correct?
You: Yes
Mariana: Hello Mr. Brady, how are you doing today?
You: Great, thanks
You: I need to know where I can go, in person to speak with a customer service rep for DSL.
Mariana: You are welcome.
You: I tried going into this store: 11200 LAKELINE MALL BOULEVARD, J15
Mariana: I will surely provide you the number .
You: And they not only couldn’t find the account information, but they told me DSL was not available at my location, and then tried to sell me UVerse.
Mariana: Please call us at 1-877-722-3755.(24*7)
You: No, not a phone number please.
You: I need to see someone in person.
Mariana: Please let me pull your account, I see that you provided [REDACTED] as the number associated with your DSL/Dial account. Am I correct?
You: I did not. I don’t have that information with me
You: I’m just asking for the location of an office, why do you need my info?
Mariana: Please provide me your AT&T primary email address ending with domain like @att.net, sbcglobal.net etc.
You: I don’t have that. That’s part of the problem.
You: But you don’t need that to give me an address.
Mariana: Are you a BellSouth customer?
You: Yes.
Mariana: I need to inform you that for Bell South customer, we have a separate department who deal specially with Bell South customer issues.
Mariana: I am transferring you to Bell South chat department.
You: Mariana, I’m asking you a simple question. I have AT&T DSL. I need to see a customer service rep. in person. Where do I go to do that?
Mariana: I understand that you want the technician at home, am I correct?
You: NO. I want to go into an office and speak to a CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE.
Mariana: I request you to contact our voice support to know the right place to see the customer representative.
You: Why can’t you just give me an address? I have been on hold for 4 hours total this week with AT&T. I don’t want to do any more of that.
You: I’m just asking for an address. Why can’t you give me an address?
Mariana: I apologize but we are technical support helpdesk and can resolve your issue remotely, however I am transferring you to the right department.System
You: are being transferred to another queue. Please stand by…
System: Mariana has left this session!
System: Lakaisha Ferguson has joined this session!
System: Connected with Lakaisha Ferguson
Lakaisha Ferguson: Thank you for choosing AT&T Internet Services. My name is Lakaisha Ferguson. May I please have your name as well as your DSL telephone number so that I may pull up your account?
You: I don’t have that with me.
You: All I want to know is this.
You: I want to go into an office, an AT&T DSL office, and speak with someone in person about my account. Where can I do that?
Lakaisha Ferguson: I do understand that you want to talk to someone from our office, right?
You: yes, in person
You: I’m looking for an address
Lakaisha Ferguson: What state are you from?
You: I’m in Ausitn, tx
Lakaisha Ferguson: One moment please.
Lakaisha Ferguson: I wish to help you with your issue today Mr. Brady but I need to refer you over to our 13-State technical support group since I’m from 9-State group.
Lakaisha Ferguson: Let me transfer this session to that department.
Lakaisha Ferguson: One moment please.System
You: are being transferred to another queue. Please stand by…
System: Lakaisha Ferguson has left this session!
System: Dave has joined this session!
System: Connected with Dave
Dave: Thank you for contacting AT&T Internet Support. My name is Dave ([REDACTED]). I see that I am chatting with Mr. Thomas Brady . Am I correct?
You: This is ridiculous.
You: Yes, this is Thomas Brady. I’ve been transfered three times now.
You: I have a simple question, Dave.
Dave: I apologize for the inconvenience you have experienced due to this issue. I will do my best to assist you regarding this issue.
Dave: Sure.
Dave: I will try my best to provide you the information.
Dave: I see that you provided [REDACTED] as the number associated with your DSL/Dial account. Am I correct?
You: I am an AT&T DSL customer, and I’d like to speak to a CSR IN PERSON at a location in Austin, Tx. Where can I do that?
Dave: Let me check that for you.
Dave: Thank you for your patience.
Dave: Mr. Brady, you can access this linkhttp://www.att.com
You: You’re kidding me, right?
Dave: Please click on Find a Store and check the availability.
You: You’re a funny guy, Dave.
You: I tried that.
You: I went to an AT&T location that claimed to be an AT&T Internet location.
You: They said that they could find no information about my account, and that DSL wasn’t even offered at my house.
You: I’ve had it for 10 years.
You: And THEN they tried to sell me UVerse.
Dave: I apologize for the inconvenience caused due to this.
You: I want a REAL AT&T DSL Office with real AT&T CSRs, Dave.
You: Not a cell phone store.
You: Does that exist, Dave?
You: Where would I go to return equipment, for example?
Dave: I am sorry.
Dave: I am unable to locate your records with the account number you provided.
You: You don’t need to locate my records, Dave. I JUST WANT AN ADDRESS FOR AN OFFICE. THIS SHOULD BE SOMETHING I COULD FIND IN THE PHONE BOOK.
Dave: I understand your frustration. However, as we are AT&T Technical support agents, I can assist you regarding any Technical issue.
Dave: This is the information I can provide from my end.
You: So you’d like to transfer me again, then?
You: I’ve been transfered three times.”

—

This is a copied-and-pasted transcript of an online chat with AT&T DSL customer service. It wasn’t until reading this aloud to my wife that I realized I was almost undoubtedly “chatting” with a computer program. Despicable. Makes me want to do this to them: